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by Gorgeous_Girl_Genius



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Crying, Established Relationship, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Breakdown, Multi, Past Rape/Non-con
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-07
Updated: 2020-08-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:08:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25757149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gorgeous_Girl_Genius/pseuds/Gorgeous_Girl_Genius
Summary: Maki wants to have sex with Kaito, but when her traumatic past gets in the way, she's faced with a difficult process ahead of her to make it possible. Her journey takes her through sex education and self-acceptance and intersects with Shuichi's story of dealing with his own sexual issues. With Miu as a main source of advice, both Shuichi and Maki work their way through some very different, but similarly difficult feelings about sex. Even with Kaito, Shuichi, and Miu all helping her, will Maki ever be able to get over her issues enough to have a normal sex life? And, more importantly, does she want to?
Relationships: Harukawa Maki/Momota Kaito
Comments: 12
Kudos: 27





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**Author's Note:**

> Relevant tags will be added as new chapters are added, however, this fic is pre-planned. I have, however, tagged this explicit in advance, even though the first sex scene isn't yet posted. This fic involves polyamory and consensual non-monogamy. Additional relationships will develop and be added to tags. The main focus is Maki/Kaito, though. 
> 
> Includes references to and detailed discussion of memories of rape/non-con, but all sex that occurs "on-screen" in the fic will be fully consensual. I marked chose not to warn so as not to give the wrong impression for anyone looking to either find or avoid rape/non-con content. 
> 
> Takes place in a non-killing game AU, and Kaito has already done some emotional growth compared to canon, so he's a little more adept at handling others' feelings. Let me know if you would like to have anything tagged that isn't already.

Maki had been ready. She’d sworn she was. But here she was, inches away from touching Kaito, and instead of being there, she might as well have been a million miles away. Maki froze, the tears welled up in her eyes. She pushed at him, forcing him out from between her legs, and she pulled them together, hugging her knees as she started to sob. She couldn’t take this anymore, couldn’t let him go further, but she hated that. Hadn’t it been long enough since anything bad had happened? Hadn’t Kaito been safe enough that she didn’t need to do this? How could she let him down like this? He’d been waiting so long, so patiently for her to be ready and she was, she was ready. She had to be ready by now, right? 

But she wasn’t ready. In fact, she wasn’t even there. Not in a bed with her boyfriend who was now softly touching her back while she cried into her knees. She was back there. Somewhere far away, with people who had taught her how not to crack under every kind of torture. And it was unfair that the memories could make her cry, because she had not cried back then. When she was shown how to handle all manner of pain with a cold face and empty eyes while her mind detached from her body, she’d been good at it. She hadn’t shed a single tear and she’d been, they’d said, the fastest learner they’d ever seen, quick to snap to a state of mind where what happened to her didn’t matter. They’d taught her how to handle any amount of sexual torture that could be applied to her without batting an eyelash. Why couldn’t they have shown her how to take this, then, without crying? How to handle something she actually wanted, with someone who had nothing but love in his eyes and in his heart who was touching her, kissing her, making her feel things that she so desperately wanted to feel? How could she handle anything, except this? Anything, except getting what she actually wanted? He wanted her. She knew that, and she wanted to do this too, desperately, even. She was always the one to start things, to bring them closer and closer to having sex before she became overwhelmed and stopped him.

The first time, they’d barely made it past kissing and she’d broken down before he brought his hands to touch her breasts. She had been the one his hands around from her back, but as soon as he made any move to move them on his own, she’d stopped him short, pushing him away, refusing to talk to him, and then leaving him to sort himself out while she ignored her feelings about it and laid in her bed, motionless and staring at the ceiling. When she’d come back to him to try to tell him what had happened, he’d only apologized, grinned at her, and told her he didn’t mind, that he could wait. How long, though? She’d made him wait months since then. And not only that, but she’d made him orbit closer and closer to actually having sex with her. She’d start something, sure that this would be the time, but every time she got anywhere close, she shut off and couldn’t let him continue. Every time, he’d stopped, easily, and hadn’t made so much as a single complaint. And this time, she’d let him get so far that they were both fully unclothed, he was between her legs and more than ready to go before she stopped him. But at every step along the way to it, she’d felt the terror mounting in her stomach until she’d finally wound up here, naked and in tears, clinging to her knees. 

“Why?” Maki finally spoke, refusing to unbury her face. This didn’t seem to affect Kaito. He ran his hand over her back, and answered as though she’d spoken clearly.

“Why what?” He asked, voice barely above a whisper. 

“Why do I do this every time?! Why can’t I do what I’m supposed to do?! Why is it so hard to just give you what you want?! Why can’t I just be normal?!” Maki pulled her face up, dripping tears onto her legs as she screamed the words. Kaito didn’t miss a beat. 

“You’re not supposed to be normal, Maki Roll! You’re supposed to be you!” What a stupid thing to say, Maki thought. 

“Stupid. No, I’m not. I’m not supposed to be me. Not if being me means you never get to do anything with me! How are you ever supposed to be happy?!” She shouted at him. She felt bad, for yelling, for being out of control, for losing her cool. But, she thought again, that no one had taught her how to handle this situation without losing it. Now, for the first time, Kaito missed a beat. He missed several, in fact, completely speechless. Now she’d done it. 

“Maki Roll...” He began, faltering again after just the nickname. And what a dumb nickname it was, too. He shouldn’t be so romantic. Not with her. She was angry, her temper swirling just below the surface. Couldn’t he see what was going on here? Why was he calling her cute nicknames when she, and her history, was ruining everything for him, for his narrative, the story that ends with saving the world, getting the girl, and then fading to black? She couldn’t stand his concerned face, either. She was disgusted with everything about him, with the way he was looking at her, with the softness of his voice, the way his hand moved, just gracing her back enough to feel without putting any pressure on it. He looked at her like he hadn’t just been denied something he desperately wanted, and really ought to be allowed to have, for the millionth time because she was too fucked up to give it to him. She hated this. She hated him, for being so nice. The fierceness of her anger at him stopped her tears from flowing, and instead, she glared at him. He didn’t seem fazed. 

“I am happy with you, all the time. But, listen, did I do something wrong?” He asked, tilting his head slightly, “Because I’m a hero, but heroes still make mistakes, you know? And I’m really sorry if I did anything to make you feel bad”  _ He  _ was sorry?? He was the one apologizing to her? Could he be any more infuriating? 

“No, you didn’t do anything wrong! I don’t even know how you could think that!” She yelled at him again, pushing her hands across her face in an attempt to wipe away or absorb the tears from it. 

“Oh good!” He grinned. Fucking grinned. His stupid face lit up, his eyes closed. Maki was dumbfounded. He continued, oblivious to her angry, stunned silence. 

"Then it'll all be alright! Don't worry, Maki Roll! I'll help you with whatever you need to feel better!" Maki couldn’t take it anymore. 

“Can you just stop?! Just for one second, stop?!?

“Stop, what?” 

“That!” Maki yelled. “Stop being so…. Good!” 

“You want me to stop being good?” Kaito was clearly confused, which only served to make her even more angry at him. Furious, she couldn’t hold still. She stood up out of bed, and started searching the floor for her discarded clothes. She found her shirt first, snatching it out of the floor and throwing it over her head. Kaito just watched her as she furiously pushed her arms through the sleeves and grabbed her skirt. 

“No, I don’t want you to stop being good! I just want you to stop acting! Like! This!” Her anger was uncontainable now. As she slid into her skirt, now that she was standing, fully clothed and facing him angrily, she didn’t feel as vulnerable as she did when she was naked in bed, and it pushed her further over the edge. Now, She was yelling at him, screaming, completely out of control. His confusion was mounting, and he looked almost frightened, but his fear simply fueled her anger yet again. 

“You don’t know who I am! You think you do, but you’re stupid! You’re so stupid you think you can fix me! Well, you don’t understand who I am! I’ll never be able to do this! Never! I’m broken! And you think you can fix me, but you can’t. I’m not broken in the way you want me to be! You’re not going to love it better! You can’t! It’s not that kind of story! I’m not cut out for the kind of story you want to put me in! You want me to be this girl, this person with a painful backstory and you want to love me and be patient and gentle and kind until I’m better but I’m never, ever going to be better! You can’t make me feel better by loving me! I’ll never be good enough for you! It’s not like that! It’s not that kind of story! 

“My story, the story I come from, it’s more messed up than the children’s show hero you want to be could ever even deal with! I’ve killed people! I’ve ended lives, innocent ones, guilty ones, and ones that were everywhere in between, and it didn’t matter to me! And I’ve been tortured! Tortured and raped and beaten and scarred. And you’ve seen the scars, but you don’t understand them. You think you should kiss them. Like they’re sweet and romantic, but they’re not and there’s nothing you can do to make them be. They come from pain and horrible places you can’t even imagine, that you don’t  _ want _ to imagine! I’ve been raped and tortured so that I’d be able to keep quiet no matter what anyone did to me and I just can’t let that go! I can’t stop thinking about it! I can’t do this for you, Kaito! I just can’t. I can’t stop thinking about the past! I can’t! It’s too much a part of what that is to me, of what sex is! It’s torture and I want it to be something else, but I can’t make it be. You’re not like me! You can’t be like me, and I can’t be like you! You think you can treat me like I’m good, but I’m not! I don’t deserve it and I can’t deserve it and I’m too messed up for us to keep trying. So stop.”

Kaito stared at her, completely, deathly silent for a moment. He didn’t move, seeming to concentrate completely on his thoughts. He got up, and crossed the room to her. Unlike her, he didn't look for his clothes when he left the bed. Instead, Kaito stood, fully naked and, in fact, still hard, in front of her. How? How was he still just looking at her, like he didn't even care. She'd gotten him this worked up, right there, ten seconds from being inside her, and then she'd started bawling, ripped the chance to do anything away from him, and yet here he was, standing there, looking like he had no concerns in the world except for her, even while his dick was still undeniably, likely painfully hard. Maki stared. It would be almost comical to watch him ignore it if it didn't make her so angry, if it wasn't evidence of her failure, if it didn't remind her how spectacularly she'd let this situation spiral out of control.

She glared at him, for a moment, breathing heavily to get back the breath she’d lost while she was screaming at him. He let her breathe, and then he placed one hand on her cheek, cautiously, nearly flinching back at first. When she didn’t pull away, he pressed it in and looked into her eyes. As powerful as it had been, her anger dwindled, deflating inside her as she looked at him. She couldn’t help it. However much she hated herself, she couldn’t bring herself to stay so angry when she could now see the pain she was causing him, unobstructed in his eyes. Kaito then spoke, but softly, quieter, maybe, than Maki had ever heard him. It seemed almost out of place. 

“I don’t want to fix you. I don’t want you to be different. I’m not looking for you to be anyone you’re not. Real heroes take care of everyone. Real heroes save people, no matter how much they’ve been through. I’m not here to tell you your story is too dark to fit into mine. It fits just the way you are. I don’t want someone who’s never been hurt, or someone who’s never been raped, or someone who has never killed anyone. I want you. All of you. Just as tortured and scarred and beaten and raped as you are. I wish that had never happened to you, but I only want that because I hate that anyone has ever hurt you. And, Maki, if we never, ever have sex, that’s fine with me. I don’t need that to be happy with you. Sure, I’d love to do it sometime, but I absolutely don’t need you to just get over it. You’re right. You can’t do that right now and I don’t want you to. Maybe you will be able to someday, maybe not. Either way, I want to be with you. I want to be with  _ you, _ Just how you are. I want you to feel better, but that’s only so you feel better, not so I can get what I want out of you. Because I love you.” 

“That’s what I’m telling you to stop doing.” Maki’s voice shook with the tears that returned to her eyes. She ignored the rest of what he’d said for the moment, unable to formulate any kind of response. Kaito didn’t seem to mind. He smiled again, that stupid smile that covered his whole face, confident, effortless. 

“Well, I’d stop doing that if I were you. I’m never gonna stop loving you.” He planted a kiss on her cheek, taking her tears away on his lips. Then he did the same to her other cheek, kissing her tears away. She blushed. 

“Why? I can’t do anything right. And it’s not just this… It’s not just sex. Why do you love me when I’m… I don’t know… broken?” She was asking now, the anger completely gone from her voice, having burnt itself out. She was smiling at his kisses in spite of her tears. 

“Because you’re great. Because you’re pretty and sweet and amazing. Because you still care, after everything you’ve been through. You don't get how powerful that is. And if you’re broken, then that’s fine with me. I must just love broken people, then. I’m not trying to fix you, unless it helps you be happier to be fixed.” Kaito shrugged. 

“You’re so stupid, Kaito. Don’t you know you deserve someone whole? You deserve someone who won’t stop you, crying and screaming, every time you try having sex with them. And like, someone who won’t be, I don’t know, a million miles away worrying about bad things that happened to them. You deserve someone who knows how good you are and will start actually rewarding you for doing all the right things.” Maki was yelling again, but this time, her voice was raising and quivering with distress instead of rage..

“I don’t know about that, Maki Roll. I don’t think anyone deserves anyone, really, and I’m more worried that you think things are like that than anything else. You’re not a video game. I’m not supposed to just do things to you and then you always react the same way. I'm not supposed to be rewarded because I did the right things. Like, it’s not even about a reward. It shouldn’t be anyway. It’s all just… not like that at all. If you’re thinking of it like that then I don’t wanna do it at all. Don’t do stuff because you want to reward me. Only do it if  _ you  _ want to.” 

“But I do. I do want to!” She cried out, wiping her tears from her face again. “That's the worst part. I want to do it so badly I can’t even focus sometimes. And I think about it when I’m not with you! I want to do it so much! But I just can’t. Every time I just, I ruin everything by being so broken and I just can’t stop thinking of back then.” 

“Then you’re ruining things for you, not for me.” Kaito said simply, and then, swiftly, he picked her up off her feet. Maki allowed him; if she didn’t, he would never be able to do anything. It was nice to be held, and she let herself cry into him. He pulled her back into bed, settling so she was laying on top of him, then he covered them both with the blanket. She continued crying, curling into his chest, burying her face and sobbing herself out until the tears stopped coming. 

“Why are you like this?” She said, finally. “Why don’t you even care that I’m letting you down?” 

“Well, first, because you’re the only one who thinks you’re letting me down, but also, because heroes don’t expect people to do more than they can do. It’s not nice.” 

Kaito really was that good. For whatever reason, he really, really loved her. And he genuinely, earnestly felt like she wasn’t letting him down. And she supposed that would have to be good enough for her. If she really wasn't upsetting him, maybe she could stop worrying about him. Maybe she could work on things for herself, leaving what he might want out of the picture for now. That may be the nicest thing to do for both of them. 

“I really do want to, though. I don’t want it to always end like this.” She mumbled softly into his still bare chest. 

“Give yourself a break, Maki Roll.” He said with a yawn. “If you want to, I want you to too. I want to help you, however I need to. But don’t worry about it for me. I’m not in a hurry.” 


End file.
